


in a box beneath my bed

by manchestereyes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Canon Compliant, Epistolary, Fluff, M/M, POV First Person, am i right?, what better way to dive back into fic writing than with something this self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23209492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manchestereyes/pseuds/manchestereyes
Summary: A collection of letters from Dan to Phil in 2009, all unsent.Written for Phandom Fic Fests' Escape From Reality: Point of View Fest!
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 52
Collections: phandomficfests: escape from reality





	in a box beneath my bed

**11 February 2009**

Dear Phil, 

So I’m not too sure why I’m writing this other than the fact that I’m in Psychology right now and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what’s going on here--there’s just way too much going on in our brains and mine’s not nearly fast enough to keep track of it all. But the only way to get on Mrs. Hennesy’s good side is to look like you’re taking notes, so here I am.

Anyway. We’re just going to skip over the awkwardness of you not even knowing me because let’s be real, there’s no way I’m actually sending this. I know you’ve got that PO box and everything, but that’s for like…. girls who wanna send you nice letters and lions and shit. Not nerds with no friends who are probably just gonna bring you down.

Plus, it’s not like you’d be able to read this smudge fest to begin with.

God, I’m sorry. I’m sure I just spent half a page boring you. I just wanted to talk about the video you posted yesterday, the one with the heater and your story about your _Big Brother_ audition and the tarot cards. I’m sorry you didn’t get through but maybe that’s not so bad, you know? ~~I don’t know if I could handle only seeing your face an hour a week on TV~~. Your head might get so big it actually explodes. What I really can’t stop thinking about though, for whatever reason, is those damn tarot cards.

And here’s the thing: I know they’re not real. I mean, come on. You really think some person, or the universe, or whatever, knows everything that’s ever gonna happen to you? No, someone was just bored one day hundreds of years ago and drew some pictures and decided to associate them with events or people that basically anyone comes across at some point in their life. It doesn’t mean anything.

So then why can’t I stop thinking about that damn knight?

I don’t know, mate. I really don’t know. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel… I dunno, _something_ when you pulled that card. It was weird. Like, I know it has nothing to do with me but I can’t shake this weird feeling that maybe it does? Somehow? Maybe it’s the universe telling me to grow some balls and message you already. Or at least add you on MySpace or something. 

Shit, Mrs. Hennesy’s turning off the overhead. I gotta go.

-Dan

* * *

**3 June 2009**

Dear Phil,

~~I~~

~~You~~

~~I~~

Oh god, where do I even begin here?

I told myself. Fuck, I TOLD myself I wasn’t gonna get worked up over this. You have no idea who I am, aside from my mildly decent profile photo and the fact that we both like Muse. And we have the same taste in movies. Somehow??

Oh yeah, and apparently neither of us have any concept of sleep. Maybe we’re vampires. (That sounds like something you’d say. God Dan, you have one conversation and suddenly you’re turning into the same person. Keep it together, mate.)

So, this is gonna be really risky because I have to make sure Roger’s not looking over my shoulder and I can’t be too obvious about this or anything, but I can’t stop thinking about last night. I know that sounds cliche as all hell but it’s the honest truth. I mean first, I never expected you’d get back to me so fast. I’ve barely had a Twitter account for a fortnight and my first attempt at a ~~flirty~~ decent reply was the one you chose? 

But SOMEHOW you didn’t stop there. You just had to stalk the (admittedly way too few) tweets I had and SOMEHOW found my dorky fanboy @replies to Muse. And then I got a DM from the AmazingPhil. 

Alright, I said I wasn’t gonna be a dork about this but clearly that can’t be done. So yeah, you DM’d me. And I’m not saying I fell off my bed because that would be ridiculous but, uh, there may have been some ass-on-floor action. For like, a SECOND.

And then you had to go right in with that Muse question (of COURSE I’m excited for the album, who do you think I am, but then I guess we aren’t all well-versed in the art of small talk, myself included) and alright, I may have pushed my laptop across my bed. I don’t know. I had zero control of literally anything at that moment.

I hope I wasn’t too awkward in my replies but you’ve gotta know you scared the SHIT out of me, mate. Ever the excellent communicator, though, you seemed to handle things pretty well. And were maybe... excited? If those exclamation marks were anything to go by? But then, I’m sure you’re that way with everyone. It’s why you joined YouTube, yeah? Like me, you were desperate to talk to people, so you thought you’d whack up a camera and give it a go and here you are now.

Plus, it’s always exciting when you find someone who shares your interests. I may be sad as hell most of the time, but I do know that much.

And shit, Mrs. Hennesy’s turning off the projector again. Which means (continued in next class) I spent an entire block not listening to a damn thing. Again. There goes that A-Level, I guess.

-Dan

* * *

**12 June 2009**

Dear Phil,

So, it’s been a few hours. I’ve had a sleep. 

But goddamnit, I cannot stop thinking about your interactive video adventure thingy.

I don’t know if you saw my ridiculous comments (I don’t even know what I said honestly, my brain was not connected to my fingers) but I really do mean it. I’ve seen some pretty cool annotations videos but this one blows all of them out of the water. I mean, HOW are you able to think of all those paths and the rewards at the end and all those props and costumes and camera angles and everything? Aren’t you working on a Master’s degree too??

Ok yeah, you probably had a bit of help. Nobody can do all that on their own, even for a fun YouTube side thing. But still!!

There’s so much I could say about this, although I’m pretty sure I dumped it all in your DMs last night. So for now, I just have to say: HOW? How did you know??

I know my school friends know a bit about my _Final Fantasy_ obsession thanks to drunk Dan never knowing when to shut his mouth, but there’s no way you could know that. I haven’t tweeted about it at all and we’ve barely talked about it, except when you asked me what my favourite game was. (I didn’t wanna freak you out and go full FF nerd though, as hard as that was.) You have no idea what that game means to me.

But somehow SOMEHOW you do. Or maybe it means something to you too. And so does the music because oh my god, you got it exactly right. Exactly. I know I told you a bit in my comments and tweets and DMs (oh god, now I see why I always got scolded for annoying my classmates) but fuck. I don’t know if I can even put it into words what you did. It felt like my heart was flying out of my chest and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But it was even more than that. Something deeper.

Maybe it’s because it was like 11 at night when it all got posted and I’m apparently still exhausted from exams. I don’t know. Whatever it was, something somehow managed to take control of my brain and say ‘You know those feelings everyone says are wrong but that you can’t seem to stop no matter what? Maybe, just for now, they’re alright.’ I’m not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that is fucking life changing.

So yeah. I’m fucked. And I know you rushing to finish this by the end of my birthday (which I mentioned maybe twice in passing and like once in a tweet) doesn’t mean anything. That’s just who you are. You’re thoughtful and ambitious and creative enough to create this whole little world. And I’m just. Dan. There’s nothing interesting about me besides the fact that I clearly have some kind of procrastination disease and can’t force myself to give enough of a fuck about school even when my entire future and my chances of leaving this shithole depend on it. 

I don’t know. I really don’t. But (and I really can’t believe I’m writing this), if I have any sort of shot at all you can bet your (probably incredible, let’s be real here) ass I’m taking it.

I know you won’t ever read this, but I hope you had a good train ride back home, Phil. And I can’t wait to see you in my DMs again.

-Dan

* * *

**12 September 2009**

Dear Phil,

So. I could sit here moaning about this stupid cold that won’t go away like I’ve been doing for the past hour while I let my responsibilities chase each other around my head like ~~the~~ overexcited children ~~I spend way too much time dreaming about us having one day~~.

Or I could do the thing I always do when I have a ton of voices in my head that won’t shut up and thoughts that have to come out some way or another. I think I’ve finally gotten over the weirdness of knowing you won’t read this, and I’m starting to find it comforting now.

Things have been...weird this week, to say the least. I know I told you about how shitty it feels to see all my friends go off to uni while I’m still stuck in this town I fought so hard to get out of, but for whatever reason, I’m feeling that extra hard today. Sure, lots of people take gap years, it’s not a big deal and at least I can save up a bit of money. It shouldn’t be that bad.

So then why does it feel like my entire life’s been put on hold and I’m slipping further and further behind when some of my friends haven’t even started uni yet?

It doesn’t help that my parents are actually on my ass about setting things up for my exam resit and finding a tutor and everything. It’s not like I need that much help--I got a B for fuck’s sake, I was so close and the exam isn’t even until February anyway. That’s a lifetime away.

Or maybe it’s the fact that they only give a shit about me when I’m about to leave for good.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I really don’t. And it’s not like work is any better. They hate me now after faking sick during Reading Festival, I know they do. It’s honestly a miracle I haven’t been fired yet. And you know, I thought writing this stuff out would help me but if anything, I just feel more confused and stressed and I just want it all to be done.

I’m not lying when I say you’re the only bright spot in my day, Phil. I know you only just finished your final project and I can only imagine how scary and confusing the future must look right now. And yet your capacity to still be able to send me smileys and hearts when you know I’m having a hard day is… well, it’s astounding to say the least.

It makes me want to be better, to cheer you up whenever I see that you were having a hard time with that project or when you say you’re a little bit scared to see your parents again because you’re afraid they’ll nag you about your future plans (believe me, I wish that was the only problem I had with mine). I don’t know how you manage to put a positive spin on just about anything, but I think I love you for it. It’s these moments when I feel like words on a screen just aren’t enough. 

I want to see you in person, as terrifying as that feels right now. I want to give you my best, biggest hugs and so much more that I could never write on paper. I need to see you smile through more than just YouTube or Skype. It’s honestly getting to the point where I feel like one Phil smile could power me for a thousand years.

But I think we both know I’ll never actually say that. No matter how much I’m dying to.

-Dan

* * *

**20 October 2009**

Dear Phil,

I still can’t believe I’m actually here. I know that sounds cliche as fuck and exactly how you’d expect me to start out a letter when I’m sitting next to you, waiting for you to wake up in your bed in Rawtenstall but it’s literally all I can think about right now.

Yesterday was… fuck, I don’t know if I even have words to describe it. Let’s just say, if you saw something running every which way around Manchester, without a care for anything or anyone around it, that was my heart. It keeps threatening to take off every time I glance over and see you right there, so calm and peaceful and just content. Honestly, it would be such an inconvenience if it didn’t feel so bloody amazing.

I know you’ll probably say one day that you were so nervous (yes, I could tell, but it was so damn adorable and I still cannot believe I have that effect on you) but Phil, you’ve gotta know I was absolutely scared shitless. Like, I still don’t know how I survived that three and a half hour train ride without jumping off somewhere in the middle. And then, suddenly, there you were. And you just suggested we go to Starbucks like we were normal people, like this was just a normal Monday and not a day that I’ve known for two weeks now will change things forever for both of us.

Then there were the tour guide jokes. God Phil, I hope you know that you don’t have to try so hard to be funny around me. I mean, I think you figured that out eventually. Just being here with you makes me feel like I’ve won some sort of magical prize. That sounds like something you’d say--maybe by the end of these few days we will be the same person.

Of course the Arndale was fun, but I think even you could tell by the end of that how tired I was of being around people. It’s one thing to hide yourself at school, when I could kind of fade into the background and joke around to distract myself from the bone-crushing terror of everyone finding out the truth. It’s a whole other thing entirely when you have all these FEELINGS that can’t shut up no matter how much you force them down. 

And then, when you realize you don’t want to force them down--shit, I honestly felt like I was on another planet. I know Manchester isn’t exactly a gay mecca, but something about it just feels like a different world. Maybe because I know there’s no chance I’d run into anyone I know. Either way, I could tell you were grateful when the wheel was practically empty too.

And then, well...you know what happened after that. I don’t even know why I was so scared at first, when it felt more right than anything in the world. Something both ended and began there, although I don’t think I can tell you what just yet. I’m sure you know it was amazing, though.

And--fuck Phil, your toes are FREEZING but the fact that they’re now wedged between my legs probably means you’ll be waking up soon and asking me what I’m writing and I’ll tell you it’s nothing to worry about because it is, and you probably won’t remember it later.

I bet you’re adorable when you wake up. And I cannot WAIT to spend these next two days with you.

Love,

Dan

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> I know I've been absent from fic writing lately--I've been up to my ears in schoolwork these past few months but now that we all have much more time on our hands, I'm hoping to do a ton more writing that will hopefully bring smiles to some of your faces during this weird time. Also, I love this idea so much that I'm considering extending it beyond 2009 and writing even more letters from all dnp eras, so if you’d like to see more of this, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that! Above all though, I hope you're safe and healthy, and I'm sure I'll see you soon!
> 
> [Reblog](https://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/612986928461119488/in-a-box-beneath-my-bed) / Retweet


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